(Written for Beamly)
If there’s anything that soaps can teach us, it’s the basic do’s and don’t’s of life. Unfortunately, it’s only through the failures and break-downs of characters that we learn these life lessons. And what’s the best day to confront yours and others wrong doings? On your wedding day, of course! Here’s a few tips on how to get through your big day without any confrontations, and most importantly, your life fully intact.
1. Don’t Marry A Killer!
The latest story in Coronation Street has seen Tracey Barlow stranded on her wedding day, as her husband-to-be Rob is revealed to the street as Tina’s killer. I think it’s safe to say that we can all learn a universal lesson from this one: If you want your other half to be a part of your wedding day, make sure he hasn’t secretly killed somebody first, because you just might want him to stick around for a long, happy life together, outside of jail, after you’ve spent all that time putting on your makeup and doing your hair.
2. Don’t Pretend Your Daughter Has Cancer
You’ve got to be under some desperate circumstances for this one. And that’s where Ian Beale found himself in Eastenders in 1999. Knowing that he was punching well above his weight, Ian lied to the beautiful Melanie by pretending that his young daughter, Lucy, had cancer, guilt tripping her into marrying him. But lies don’t stay hidden for long, and sooner or later Melanie was going to see Ian for who he really was. And that’s nothing special.
3. Don’t Abuse Your Husband-to-be’s Son
…or you’ll end up being pushed off the top of a building. Eastenders in 2007 saw the murder of Stella on her wedding day to Phil Mitchell, when it was revealed that she had been physically and psychologically abusing his son, Ben. Stella was a mean, mean lady, and it was about time she was found out, but what a shame the day had to end with Stella lying dead in her wedding dress.
4. Don’t Kill Your Bride
Well, that would be a start; not to kill your other half on your wedding day. In 2008 Hollyoaks saw Warren kill Louise, after she finds out about his affair with Mandy. To be fair, this one is more about picking the right guy, and not a murderous cheater. But hey, we can’t be picky.
5. Don’t Get Hit By a Car
It was one of the saddest soap stories that Hollyoaks has ever had – the day Max was killed by a car after finally marrying Steph in 2008. It’s one of the few relationships we’ve cared about in Hollyoaks, and we were all pleading for Max and Steph to be allowed a happy life together. But their time together was short-lived, as Max was killed by Steph’s speeding ex-boyfriend shortly after their wedding, when Max pushed Tom out of the road, only to be hit himself.
6. Don’t Have A Baby With Somebody Else
In one of Corrie’s best feud’s, 2004 saw Tracey Barlow attempt to ruin Steve’s big day with Karen McDonald in 2004, by announcing that Steve was Amy’s father. Karen was distraught and left the church in tears, unsurprisingly. But this is just another example of secrets not staying hidden for long, and I think it’s pretty obvious to say that if you want to marry somebody then you shouldn’t be having babies with other women, intentionally or not. Steve and Karen did eventually get married though, but their married life wasn’t without its jealousies and difficulties after that big shocker.
7. THE BIG ONE – Don’t Have An Affair
We’ve seen it so many times in soaps; will they find out before the big day? Or is it all going to come down to that final moment when the vicar asks, “Are there are any reasons these two should not lawfully marry?” The best wedding crasher lies at Emmerdale with Carl and Chas’ wedding in 2010, when it was Chas who ruined her own day by waiting until the very last-minute to confront husband-to-be Carl. It was only when Ashley asked Chas if she would take Carl as her husband that she replied, “No!”, and then she exposed his affair to the rest of the cast.